Imma Put My Hands on My Hips
Yesterday I swear every crazy person in the valley got on my bus during my evening shift. It wasn't especially busy, even for a Saturday afternoon. But I got a few cuckoo clocks on board.
The best of them was this one guy I'd picked up on my way up river on the first part of my shift. He's a uniquely odd kind of guy. I've seen him around about town for years so I'm fairly familiar with his special brand of crazy. But I've never really had to deal with him up close and personal until yesterday.
So he gets on the bus and selects the seat closest to the front door which just happens to be directly diagonal from my seat in the driving position. The seat he chose faces the aisle, not the front window, so not only was he sitting close and was also facing me essentially.
To give you a visual: if I were to turn slightly and outstretch my arm and he were to sit still and outstretch his arm, we'd nearly touch fingertips just like in the "Creation of Adam" painting by Michelangelo on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Anyway, things were going along smoothly until I came to a stop that is a typically busy one. There are always people waiting for the bus at the stop and this time was no exception. There were eight people waiting to board.
I pulled up, set the brake and opened the door. The people filed in, each one having increasing difficulty getting their money in the fare box. If the bills are wrinkled it makes for slow going. And everyone boarding seemed to have wadded up money. So the special guy in the front seat started getting antsy I guess because he started fidgeting and moaning and talking to me in his crazy way.
"You'd better move, cops behind ya."
"There's no cops behind me."
"They gonna pull you over, arrest you. Better get moving."
"There aren't any cops behind me and I'm not moving until every one's on the bus."
"Don't have to be rude, imma put my hands on my hips, like coach (can't remember the coaches name sorry). Yep. imma put my haaaannnnds on my hips."
"Whatever."
And from that point on I chose to not respond to his crazy taunting. He kept going over and over the fact that cops were gonna pull me over and arrest me because I sat at the stop for so long loading people. And after each new statement of such, he'd wrap it up by putting his hands on his hips, leaning forward and saying the "imma put my haaaaaaands on my hips." line.
I was laughing HARD on the inside. But on the outside, cold... stoic.
Lucky for me he only rode with me a ways further. I don't know how long "stoic" would have lasted. He was seriously cracking me up but I didn't want to encourage him. I've seen him get riled up before, from a distance, when someone egged him on. It can get out of hand quickly and I really didn't want to deal with that.
The next dose of crazy that came along was a guy that was probably just drunk. Although, I've got a feeling that he might have been mentally off regardless of alcohol consumption. He got on the bus asking about how he can get to one particular end of town and back to the transit mall in a certain time frame. I pulled out a schedule to help me figure it out and explained to him that I'm a really new driver and haven't figured out how the whole system runs yet.
"Of course not, none of you know anything but how to overcharge for a bus ride."
I ignored that and began looking at the schedule to try to help him out. I had a few minutes to spare at this stop, which was a turnaround point, and didn't mind trying to help. I told him when I'd be getting to the transit mall where he could transfer to the bus that would take him to where he was wanting to get to and what time he'd get to that location from that bus.
"You'll never make it there on time, none of you can ever make it on time. I don't know why they have schedules anyway."
Ok so he was a grumpy skeptic. UGH But I kept trying to help anyway.
"If we make it on time you can catch this bus to your destination but the next bus that comes back to the transit from that destination won't come by in time to get you there by the time you want." I continued on as I examined the schedule more closely.
"Why do you even bother trying to help lady. Just take me to the transit mall and let me figure it out from there." and then he mumbled something about bullsh*t as he put his fare in the box and sat in that same front seat the other crazy guy chose earlier.
"We'll get ya there buddy." I said jovially as I put the bus in drive.
All the way up the road, every time I had to stop to pick up another passenger he mumbled and moaned about how he'd never make it. I would just slightly shake my head and chuckle to myself and keep on going.
When I was about two blocks from the transit mall his mumbling increased in volume and I could hear him marvel at how rare it was that a bus was on time.
"She actually did it, man I can't believe it. I bet she's even early. Really I can't believe it. It's a gawdam miracle I tell ya."
As I pulled into the transit mall and to a stop to let the passengers off the bus he stood and thanked me for not "f*cking up" the rest of his day. I simply smiled and nodded and watched him step off the bus.
The best of them was this one guy I'd picked up on my way up river on the first part of my shift. He's a uniquely odd kind of guy. I've seen him around about town for years so I'm fairly familiar with his special brand of crazy. But I've never really had to deal with him up close and personal until yesterday.
So he gets on the bus and selects the seat closest to the front door which just happens to be directly diagonal from my seat in the driving position. The seat he chose faces the aisle, not the front window, so not only was he sitting close and was also facing me essentially.
To give you a visual: if I were to turn slightly and outstretch my arm and he were to sit still and outstretch his arm, we'd nearly touch fingertips just like in the "Creation of Adam" painting by Michelangelo on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Anyway, things were going along smoothly until I came to a stop that is a typically busy one. There are always people waiting for the bus at the stop and this time was no exception. There were eight people waiting to board.
I pulled up, set the brake and opened the door. The people filed in, each one having increasing difficulty getting their money in the fare box. If the bills are wrinkled it makes for slow going. And everyone boarding seemed to have wadded up money. So the special guy in the front seat started getting antsy I guess because he started fidgeting and moaning and talking to me in his crazy way.
"You'd better move, cops behind ya."
"There's no cops behind me."
"They gonna pull you over, arrest you. Better get moving."
"There aren't any cops behind me and I'm not moving until every one's on the bus."
"Don't have to be rude, imma put my hands on my hips, like coach (can't remember the coaches name sorry). Yep. imma put my haaaannnnds on my hips."
"Whatever."
And from that point on I chose to not respond to his crazy taunting. He kept going over and over the fact that cops were gonna pull me over and arrest me because I sat at the stop for so long loading people. And after each new statement of such, he'd wrap it up by putting his hands on his hips, leaning forward and saying the "imma put my haaaaaaands on my hips." line.
I was laughing HARD on the inside. But on the outside, cold... stoic.
Lucky for me he only rode with me a ways further. I don't know how long "stoic" would have lasted. He was seriously cracking me up but I didn't want to encourage him. I've seen him get riled up before, from a distance, when someone egged him on. It can get out of hand quickly and I really didn't want to deal with that.
The next dose of crazy that came along was a guy that was probably just drunk. Although, I've got a feeling that he might have been mentally off regardless of alcohol consumption. He got on the bus asking about how he can get to one particular end of town and back to the transit mall in a certain time frame. I pulled out a schedule to help me figure it out and explained to him that I'm a really new driver and haven't figured out how the whole system runs yet.
"Of course not, none of you know anything but how to overcharge for a bus ride."
I ignored that and began looking at the schedule to try to help him out. I had a few minutes to spare at this stop, which was a turnaround point, and didn't mind trying to help. I told him when I'd be getting to the transit mall where he could transfer to the bus that would take him to where he was wanting to get to and what time he'd get to that location from that bus.
"You'll never make it there on time, none of you can ever make it on time. I don't know why they have schedules anyway."
Ok so he was a grumpy skeptic. UGH But I kept trying to help anyway.
"If we make it on time you can catch this bus to your destination but the next bus that comes back to the transit from that destination won't come by in time to get you there by the time you want." I continued on as I examined the schedule more closely.
"Why do you even bother trying to help lady. Just take me to the transit mall and let me figure it out from there." and then he mumbled something about bullsh*t as he put his fare in the box and sat in that same front seat the other crazy guy chose earlier.
"We'll get ya there buddy." I said jovially as I put the bus in drive.
All the way up the road, every time I had to stop to pick up another passenger he mumbled and moaned about how he'd never make it. I would just slightly shake my head and chuckle to myself and keep on going.
When I was about two blocks from the transit mall his mumbling increased in volume and I could hear him marvel at how rare it was that a bus was on time.
"She actually did it, man I can't believe it. I bet she's even early. Really I can't believe it. It's a gawdam miracle I tell ya."
As I pulled into the transit mall and to a stop to let the passengers off the bus he stood and thanked me for not "f*cking up" the rest of his day. I simply smiled and nodded and watched him step off the bus.
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