Deep Shit... on Friendship
Once upon a time I had a friend who just couldn't accept it when I said that I was being hurt by the words that came out of their mouth. Degrading and demoralizing terminology passed from this persons mouth to my ears on a regular basis.
It was when I realized that what was once joking had turned to mocking and then took a sharp turn into malice, that I knew I had to stand up. I finally asked my friend to stop saying those things to me, explaining that they hurt my feelings and made me confused in their intentions as my friend. They refused to stop using the hurtful words, refused to apologize, and then got upset and dumbfounded when I ended the friendship.
That is just one example of a toxic friendship that I have ended over the years. Sadly there are just shy of half a dozen similar cases in my life where I have had to say goodbye to friends because keeping them around would just bring me down to a level I wasn't comfortable with. I can't and won't allow myself to be a door mat.
I respect myself enough to say that enough is enough.
I hope I've never been a toxic friend to someone. But if I have or ever will be I hope that the person being affronted would have to courage to do as I have done and stand up for themselves. If I'm poisoning our friendship, I want to know; to be given the chance to change and apologize and try to make amends.
Along different lines in the world of friendships I'd like to address the issue I have had in the past with ending up in a one sided friendship. I'm sure pretty much everyone on planet Earth has ended up in this (or a similar) situation.
You hit it off with someone, you become good friends, you hang out a lot at first and then things start to fizzle. Maybe you both work crazy hours and can't coordinate for as many lunch or cocktail dates as you did before. Maybe you're "single" and your friend is entertaining a significant other and so find you don't see your "taken" friend as often.
Life happens. I get that. But what if you find that you're the only one reaching out to your friend, regardless of the life situations, for get-together's or even just a nice long telephone chat? Have you found yourself always doing the inviting, but never being invited?
Wanna have lunch? you ask.
Sure... just name the time and place and I'll be there! they reply.
You meet up, have a nice lunch, catch up and then say see ya later.
Only... months and months pass and you don't see them. And they don't call, text, e-mail, instant message you. Finally you cave and send them a new invitation, "wanna have cocktails?"
This process could repeat indefinitely if you let it. But when is it enough to make you realize that you're friendship is primarily one sided? I suppose that as the person wondering whether it is one sided or not, you could wait it out and see if the other person ever bothers to invite you to lunch.
Or you could just move on.
In my opinion, the kinds of reasons they are accepting lunch dates with you is out of courtesy and/or curiosity. Maybe they just want to break away from the monotony of the day and shake it up by having lunch somewhere they don't normally go with someone they don't normally go with. Who knows what the motives are. Hell, perhaps they really do just want to catch up with you.
But when they never make the effort to invite you to lunch or other such one-on-one social events, do you find yourself wondering why?
I know I do.
In varied types of friendships, on varied levels of friendship. I have had quite a few people in my life that I've ended up seeing only when I made the effort to do so. And I've experimented with my own little time lapse theory of waiting to see how long it takes between my last initiated and completed meeting with the other person and the time it takes until they are inviting me out for the next meeting. And sadly in my experiences, 99% of the time I never get an invite back.
When I realize that the other person isn't interested, I have to just let go. I figure that the friendship wasn't as strong or as important as I thought or had hoped it would be. And that for what ever reason, the Universe hadn't seen fit for us to be true friends.
Now I'm sure that there may be old (and new) friends reading this, shaking their head in protest of what I'm saying. "But, but, but... (fill in random excuse here).
Perhaps they are even feeling guilty that they didn't make more of an effort.
"But you're never home!"
Some may blame my traveling lifestyle on a failed friendship, even though I was home for over a year recently and was home all the time before I hit the road in 2007. And I can make spur of the moment plans with anyone when I am home, if they ask me to do so.
"But you live so far away!"
Some may even try to blame distance. You have to do better than that, because I have rented cars and driven hours to see friends in other states (through snow storms even!) when I really wanted to spend some time with them.
Heck, I'm sure there could be some really creative excuses created as to why we don't hang out or see one another more often.
But the truth is, there is no good excuse.
I know I've not always been the best friend. I, too, could put forth more effort in my relationships with other people. I accept that and really am trying to be better about that. I want the people I care about to know it, to feel it and understand it. I want to make sure they know they are important to me.
I can't force people to like me back, however. So when someone rejects me, disrespects me, or otherwise offends me.... I'll let them know how I feel, give them the chance to redeem themselves and then move forward in whatever direction is the right one.
A true friendship cannot be one sided. If you find yourself beating your head against a wall over a friendship, its probably not the type of friendship you need to keep. If you find yourself feeling as if your friend is the exact opposite of supportive, there will inevitably be trouble.
And that's all I got on friendship tonight.
It was when I realized that what was once joking had turned to mocking and then took a sharp turn into malice, that I knew I had to stand up. I finally asked my friend to stop saying those things to me, explaining that they hurt my feelings and made me confused in their intentions as my friend. They refused to stop using the hurtful words, refused to apologize, and then got upset and dumbfounded when I ended the friendship.
That is just one example of a toxic friendship that I have ended over the years. Sadly there are just shy of half a dozen similar cases in my life where I have had to say goodbye to friends because keeping them around would just bring me down to a level I wasn't comfortable with. I can't and won't allow myself to be a door mat.
I respect myself enough to say that enough is enough.
I hope I've never been a toxic friend to someone. But if I have or ever will be I hope that the person being affronted would have to courage to do as I have done and stand up for themselves. If I'm poisoning our friendship, I want to know; to be given the chance to change and apologize and try to make amends.
Along different lines in the world of friendships I'd like to address the issue I have had in the past with ending up in a one sided friendship. I'm sure pretty much everyone on planet Earth has ended up in this (or a similar) situation.
You hit it off with someone, you become good friends, you hang out a lot at first and then things start to fizzle. Maybe you both work crazy hours and can't coordinate for as many lunch or cocktail dates as you did before. Maybe you're "single" and your friend is entertaining a significant other and so find you don't see your "taken" friend as often.
Life happens. I get that. But what if you find that you're the only one reaching out to your friend, regardless of the life situations, for get-together's or even just a nice long telephone chat? Have you found yourself always doing the inviting, but never being invited?
Wanna have lunch? you ask.
Sure... just name the time and place and I'll be there! they reply.
You meet up, have a nice lunch, catch up and then say see ya later.
Only... months and months pass and you don't see them. And they don't call, text, e-mail, instant message you. Finally you cave and send them a new invitation, "wanna have cocktails?"
This process could repeat indefinitely if you let it. But when is it enough to make you realize that you're friendship is primarily one sided? I suppose that as the person wondering whether it is one sided or not, you could wait it out and see if the other person ever bothers to invite you to lunch.
Or you could just move on.
In my opinion, the kinds of reasons they are accepting lunch dates with you is out of courtesy and/or curiosity. Maybe they just want to break away from the monotony of the day and shake it up by having lunch somewhere they don't normally go with someone they don't normally go with. Who knows what the motives are. Hell, perhaps they really do just want to catch up with you.
But when they never make the effort to invite you to lunch or other such one-on-one social events, do you find yourself wondering why?
I know I do.
In varied types of friendships, on varied levels of friendship. I have had quite a few people in my life that I've ended up seeing only when I made the effort to do so. And I've experimented with my own little time lapse theory of waiting to see how long it takes between my last initiated and completed meeting with the other person and the time it takes until they are inviting me out for the next meeting. And sadly in my experiences, 99% of the time I never get an invite back.
When I realize that the other person isn't interested, I have to just let go. I figure that the friendship wasn't as strong or as important as I thought or had hoped it would be. And that for what ever reason, the Universe hadn't seen fit for us to be true friends.
Now I'm sure that there may be old (and new) friends reading this, shaking their head in protest of what I'm saying. "But, but, but... (fill in random excuse here).
Perhaps they are even feeling guilty that they didn't make more of an effort.
"But you're never home!"
Some may blame my traveling lifestyle on a failed friendship, even though I was home for over a year recently and was home all the time before I hit the road in 2007. And I can make spur of the moment plans with anyone when I am home, if they ask me to do so.
"But you live so far away!"
Some may even try to blame distance. You have to do better than that, because I have rented cars and driven hours to see friends in other states (through snow storms even!) when I really wanted to spend some time with them.
Heck, I'm sure there could be some really creative excuses created as to why we don't hang out or see one another more often.
But the truth is, there is no good excuse.
I know I've not always been the best friend. I, too, could put forth more effort in my relationships with other people. I accept that and really am trying to be better about that. I want the people I care about to know it, to feel it and understand it. I want to make sure they know they are important to me.
I can't force people to like me back, however. So when someone rejects me, disrespects me, or otherwise offends me.... I'll let them know how I feel, give them the chance to redeem themselves and then move forward in whatever direction is the right one.
A true friendship cannot be one sided. If you find yourself beating your head against a wall over a friendship, its probably not the type of friendship you need to keep. If you find yourself feeling as if your friend is the exact opposite of supportive, there will inevitably be trouble.
And that's all I got on friendship tonight.
Comments
I have to say, I'm usually the one who does the calling, the emailing, the texting, the "I'm just thinking about you" phonecalls.
I believe there are people who are callers and those who are not...and most of my life I've been pretty okay with that. But you know, it does get annoying after a while. And like you said, when you mention it to the people who do less, they act offended and as if they don't know what you're talking about.
I'm not a tit-for-tat type of person - I don't do for someone because I expect them to do back. But I have had people disappear with no explanation. And that's not right.
I'm an adult - tell me if you have a problem. Like you said, give me a chance to fix it if it's possible. I don't like when an email or phone call isn't returned, when a thank-you (note, text, call) isn't given when it should have been, or when someone ignores a direct question about an issue that is looming between you.
You're right on removing these people from your life. You can spend your time and energy on people who value you and your friendship. I think you're cool as hell. Those people are just missing out.
Great post.
For people like us, travelers who have a partner, etc... is really easy to get blamed for being away all the time, but today with email and all the rest of the social media, to keep in touch when interested is easier than ever.
One email a month can be enough to keep track of someone's life till the proper lunch, meeting or similar arrives, and that kind of friend makes you feel like you saw him last week anyway.
After some years jumping from one side of the Atlantic to the other, I just keep a few friends who have been there without making a big effort and now I know they'll still be there for many years.
Sadly a big number of others have disappeared (including family members) but I gave up after pushing and trying to keep them "in my bag".
I guess that's just life and a good honest way to separate the real friends/family members from the temporary passengers of our life-wagon.
Always a good read.
Safe travels.