Re-reading Old Posts

Due to current job dissatisfaction, other life crap and a stress level high enough to produce enough energy to fire a light bulb for a week... I found myself thinking about my old life over-the-road. So I decided to pull up posts at random and refresh my memory about the old Gi-Gi. I laughed at some of the things I read and also remembered scenarios that made me want to pull my hair out, scream and/or cry.

OTR was by no means an easy job. It had its' moments for sure. But I don't remember being as stressed as constantly as I am now. My husband seems to think that I absolutely hated that job and says I complained about how much I hated it all the time. But I think he's really just remember those last few months after I'd made the decision to come off the road.

Those last few months were quite rough. I had decided I was done with the adventure of it, I was engaged and wanted to be near to my dearest more regularly. I spent countless hours scouring the internet for jobs in my hometown that would allow me to do what I love (drive) but keep me close to home (or better, home every night). When I finally found a few potential jobs I applied right away.

I had two calls for interviews and decided after those which I would take. Of course, that job turned out to be the worst job I've ever had. Well no that's not true either, I had one worse.... being a dressing room attendant at a department store... that was way worse. But the job I took post OTR was still pretty wretched. And it wasn't long after starting that job that I began the search for another avenue to income.

But back to those last few months OTR.... they were tough. I do remember many a night on the phone with my beloved crying about wanting to be home with him, how I was missing out on my life and the lives of those I loved. I did hate that part of the job, being gone for many of the major holidays, birthdays, life events of loved ones. It sucked big time in that respect.

But I had a freedom, the likes of which I've never had before and unless I hit the road again, will never know again. As long as I got from point A to point B on time, safely and legally, I didn't have anyone breathing down my neck. I was free to do with my downtime as I pleased. The basic gist of the job was get freight there quickly, safely and efficiently and get paid for it and the adventures you may have in between.

*sigh*

I don't think I could go back over-the-road, simply because I feel like leaving a husband behind is a bit more selfish than when I was just leaving a boyfriend behind for weeks at a time. And since he's not interested in going out with me and teaming our way cross country, I'd say my trucking days are certainly well behind me.

But driving... now that I will always love. Big truck or small car... when I get behind the wheel and roll I'm zen.

Well... now that's not entirely true either. Because ever since I started driving a city bus my zen is more like the exact opposite of zen. It's the people, though, that are starting to ruin even that which I love. Sure the vast majority of people just get on and ride the bus to get home or to work or to the places they need to shop. But then there are those few that make life difficult. The a-holes, the drunks, the confrontational jerks who just live for pushing other peoples' buttons. They make this job wretched.

Take last night for instance. One minute I had a beautiful little baby girl, two years old and a talker who lit up my evening with her childish innocence.

"You wear your seat belt?" she said as she pointed to my buckled lap belt.

"I always do, sweetie." I said to her as I felt the smile widen on my face.

"Do I get a seat belt?" she asked.

"The bus doesn't have seat belts back there honey, you'll just have to sit all the way back in the seat and be really still okay?" I said back to her still smiling.

"Can I share yours?" she asked in a very concerned tone, brow furrowed.

Her mother laughed and picked her up and jostled her around making cooing noises, kissed her on the cheek and told her if she was good she'd get a popsicle at home. The little girl made a delighted squeal then they headed back to a seat near the rear of the bus.

=Good times.

Some thirty minutes later I had a man get on the bus and make his way to the very back of the bus. Before I ever managed to pull out from the stop he started yelling at the top of his lungs into his cell phone about how he was gonna "smack the M-F'ing sh*t outta you, b*tch... when I get home you better be gone or else I'm gonna kill you...." and so on and so forth. I had to ask him to please stop using foul language and to please quiet down because he was scaring the other passengers. The little girl and her mother got off at the next stop thankfully, and then he got off at the stop after that.

=Bad times.

Try as I might I'm not having any real success with personally dealing with the stress of this job. I've always said I'm not really a people person. I just kinda said it jokingly before. But I am realizing more and more every day how much truth there really is in that. If all days were filled with adorable little children asking silly and innocently sweet questions this job would truly be a dream.

As it is right now, though... those shining rays of sunshine are really not able to break through the black clouds that the jerks create throughout the day. I'm sure it's just my inability to desensitize myself to the ugly stuff and my lack of adequate stress coping mechanisms that is turning this job into my worst nightmare. I was warned, several times by several people that this job was going to be tough on me emotionally. I listened but didn't heed. I kinda wish now I had.

But I've got a plan... and if my plan becomes actual action then things might be changing up a little in the near future. I have set a course for myself and I must follow my gut on this. More details when I make the first step.

In the meantime, I'm going to work hard to keep my sanity in this crazy world. It's slipping quickly... but I think I have enough strength left to keep my grip a little while longer.