The Gray Matter
Today, as I was washing my hands in a rest area restroom, I noticed upon looking at my reflection in the mirror that I was sprouting more gray hairs. A couple of years ago I noticed a mere lightening at my temples. I've watched as it thickened to a slight lightening. Most recently I started to notice a few random "pigtails" sticking out from various other areas around my nugget.
I call them "pigtails" because apparently my gray hairs are going to be curly and each individual strand slightly thicker than my "regular" dark brown hairs. The thick/curlyness of these gray hairs causes them to stick out among the crowd, so to speak, making it easier for me to find them with just a quick glance.
This annoys me. I am not afraid to age and grow old. I know it's part of the cycle of life. The circle of life. But it annoys me that this one sign of aging has to stick it's little gray neck out and shout.."look at me!" everytime I look in the mirror.
Ugh... it boils down to vanity really. I'm not one known to be vain to any major extreme either. I stopped wearing make-up (aka war paint) over 8 years ago. There have been a few exceptions, which have included halloween and one "get gussied up" party when I was still married. Other than that, I'm a strictly all natural girl. I don't see the point in painting myself up, hiding my flaws and blemishes, just for someone else's sake.
And I'm sorry to those of you who don't leave the house without your war paint on, but that's just how I see it... you're covering up your natural self for someone else's sake. In my experioence, no one out there really cares if you have a scar on your cheek from teenage acne or if you are blotchy from sun damage or just have naturally flawed skin. I can almost bet that those of you with a significant other have heard that person say that they love you just the way you are, flaws and all.
They don't need the make-up... why should you?
But I digress....
The topic right now is me. And my naturalness and anti-vanity. ha!
I wish I could say that I'm 100% vainty free. But I can't. Even those of us who don't don cosmetics have vanity issues. And mine are as follows:
Vanity Issue #1: I cannot step into public unless I feel appropriately dressed. Mind you, I'm not a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination. My designer clothes consist of whatever K-Mart has on sale. But I don't like to step out feeling like I'm "underdressed". Now this does not mean that I care about my personal appearance from a third party point of view. I really don't care how you see me. It's how I see me that counts.
And what this means is that if I'm going out and about ANYWHERE I need to have the basic elements of a wardrobe on my person. Including undergarments, shirt, pants, socks and shoes (unless I'm wearing flip-flops). I'd prefer that the colors don't clash (too much) and that I don't look like I rolled out of bed.
Vanity issue #2: Hygiene. This is one issue I've had to work with since I became an over the road truck driver. I could shower everyday if I went against our company fuel solutions and bought at least 50 gallons of fuel every day at a Pilot Station, since with 50 gal. you get a free shower credit. But I'm a good company driver who sticks with the assigned fuel stops provided. Of course, this means I don't get to scrub my bum everyday in the proper way. But baby wipes and body spray do wonders in the meantime!
While I can't shower everyday, I still manage to take pride in my hygiene. I brush my teeth when I am supposed to, I deoderize everyday. I use body spray to liven myself up a little and I utilize baby wipes as needed. This has been HUGE for the girl that was used to a shower every morning with a very specific hygiene routine.
Vanity Issue #3: I still get adult acne breakouts. I don't wear make up to cover my "flaws" so I have to just deal with it. At 28 years old I still find myself feeling paranoid when I've got a honkin' screamer popping up on my face. No one else probably even notices it (until I've messed with it enough to make it all red and swollen) but I think everyone is staring right at it. This my friends, is probably my biggest battle with vanity. I don't like breakouts any more than the next person. I do my best to keep a clean face, but my skin is just prone to breakouts. I'll probably be a wrinkly 100 year old lady with a huge zit in the middle of her forhead still paranoid that someone's staring at it.
Vanity Issue #4: This one kinda falls under issue #1. I mentioned that I don't wanna look like I just rolled out of bed. I don't mind a few wrinkles in my clothes. In fact, unless your a compulsive ironer, it's just part of life. What I won't do is go out and about in clothes that make me look like a bum. My boyfriend just doesn't get this part about me and my "anti-vantiy" plan. He will wear anything out to the store, the movies, dinner with family/friends/colleagues. From paint stained, to stinking dirty clothes... he just wears whatever he's already got on. Unless it's really special or I hound him about it and refuse to leave until he changes! ha!
Peachy for him... not kosher for me. I have lots of clothes I've worked in that are stained with various things like paint, drywall, grease, etc. Those are clothes I reserve for dirty work days. If I'm in dirty work clothes and we decide to go out to get a meal, I want to change into something appropriate and clean. He think's this is just nuts. ha! But I don't want to feel like a dirty bum. Not for the sake of the third party's view of me... but for my own sake. I don't feel my best unless I'm kempt on my comfort level.
So anywho... that a little glimpse into the crazy world of Gi-Gi.
I guess I should also note that I suffer from exhaustive paranoia. Exhaustive in that it's actually exhausting to be paranoid. It will zap my "chi" in a heartbeat and drain me of my "life force" for several days after a strong bout of paranoia.
I used to be very bad at dealing with my paranoia. Actually, for many years I didn't deal with it. I just accepted it as a normal part of life and just sat on the sidelines (afraid of everyone and everything). But I know now that what I was dealing with was not anything normal.
Fortunately, I have learned to deal with it, battle it and over come it.... most of the time. My life went from 90% paranoia to about 15% paranoia in just the past 5-6 years. Which is awesome. I believe because it was so engrained in my psyche it will always be something I will battle with. But now I have the instincts to stop it before it starts. On the rare occasion that it still leaks in, I have the willpower and wisdom to nip it in the bud.
I can only hope that my willpower will always be so strong...because spending more time enjoying life and less time afraid of it is just way cooler!
.... I swear I'm not crazy. ;o)
I call them "pigtails" because apparently my gray hairs are going to be curly and each individual strand slightly thicker than my "regular" dark brown hairs. The thick/curlyness of these gray hairs causes them to stick out among the crowd, so to speak, making it easier for me to find them with just a quick glance.
This annoys me. I am not afraid to age and grow old. I know it's part of the cycle of life. The circle of life. But it annoys me that this one sign of aging has to stick it's little gray neck out and shout.."look at me!" everytime I look in the mirror.
Ugh... it boils down to vanity really. I'm not one known to be vain to any major extreme either. I stopped wearing make-up (aka war paint) over 8 years ago. There have been a few exceptions, which have included halloween and one "get gussied up" party when I was still married. Other than that, I'm a strictly all natural girl. I don't see the point in painting myself up, hiding my flaws and blemishes, just for someone else's sake.
And I'm sorry to those of you who don't leave the house without your war paint on, but that's just how I see it... you're covering up your natural self for someone else's sake. In my experioence, no one out there really cares if you have a scar on your cheek from teenage acne or if you are blotchy from sun damage or just have naturally flawed skin. I can almost bet that those of you with a significant other have heard that person say that they love you just the way you are, flaws and all.
They don't need the make-up... why should you?
But I digress....
The topic right now is me. And my naturalness and anti-vanity. ha!
I wish I could say that I'm 100% vainty free. But I can't. Even those of us who don't don cosmetics have vanity issues. And mine are as follows:
Vanity Issue #1: I cannot step into public unless I feel appropriately dressed. Mind you, I'm not a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination. My designer clothes consist of whatever K-Mart has on sale. But I don't like to step out feeling like I'm "underdressed". Now this does not mean that I care about my personal appearance from a third party point of view. I really don't care how you see me. It's how I see me that counts.
And what this means is that if I'm going out and about ANYWHERE I need to have the basic elements of a wardrobe on my person. Including undergarments, shirt, pants, socks and shoes (unless I'm wearing flip-flops). I'd prefer that the colors don't clash (too much) and that I don't look like I rolled out of bed.
Vanity issue #2: Hygiene. This is one issue I've had to work with since I became an over the road truck driver. I could shower everyday if I went against our company fuel solutions and bought at least 50 gallons of fuel every day at a Pilot Station, since with 50 gal. you get a free shower credit. But I'm a good company driver who sticks with the assigned fuel stops provided. Of course, this means I don't get to scrub my bum everyday in the proper way. But baby wipes and body spray do wonders in the meantime!
While I can't shower everyday, I still manage to take pride in my hygiene. I brush my teeth when I am supposed to, I deoderize everyday. I use body spray to liven myself up a little and I utilize baby wipes as needed. This has been HUGE for the girl that was used to a shower every morning with a very specific hygiene routine.
Vanity Issue #3: I still get adult acne breakouts. I don't wear make up to cover my "flaws" so I have to just deal with it. At 28 years old I still find myself feeling paranoid when I've got a honkin' screamer popping up on my face. No one else probably even notices it (until I've messed with it enough to make it all red and swollen) but I think everyone is staring right at it. This my friends, is probably my biggest battle with vanity. I don't like breakouts any more than the next person. I do my best to keep a clean face, but my skin is just prone to breakouts. I'll probably be a wrinkly 100 year old lady with a huge zit in the middle of her forhead still paranoid that someone's staring at it.
Vanity Issue #4: This one kinda falls under issue #1. I mentioned that I don't wanna look like I just rolled out of bed. I don't mind a few wrinkles in my clothes. In fact, unless your a compulsive ironer, it's just part of life. What I won't do is go out and about in clothes that make me look like a bum. My boyfriend just doesn't get this part about me and my "anti-vantiy" plan. He will wear anything out to the store, the movies, dinner with family/friends/colleagues. From paint stained, to stinking dirty clothes... he just wears whatever he's already got on. Unless it's really special or I hound him about it and refuse to leave until he changes! ha!
Peachy for him... not kosher for me. I have lots of clothes I've worked in that are stained with various things like paint, drywall, grease, etc. Those are clothes I reserve for dirty work days. If I'm in dirty work clothes and we decide to go out to get a meal, I want to change into something appropriate and clean. He think's this is just nuts. ha! But I don't want to feel like a dirty bum. Not for the sake of the third party's view of me... but for my own sake. I don't feel my best unless I'm kempt on my comfort level.
So anywho... that a little glimpse into the crazy world of Gi-Gi.
I guess I should also note that I suffer from exhaustive paranoia. Exhaustive in that it's actually exhausting to be paranoid. It will zap my "chi" in a heartbeat and drain me of my "life force" for several days after a strong bout of paranoia.
I used to be very bad at dealing with my paranoia. Actually, for many years I didn't deal with it. I just accepted it as a normal part of life and just sat on the sidelines (afraid of everyone and everything). But I know now that what I was dealing with was not anything normal.
Fortunately, I have learned to deal with it, battle it and over come it.... most of the time. My life went from 90% paranoia to about 15% paranoia in just the past 5-6 years. Which is awesome. I believe because it was so engrained in my psyche it will always be something I will battle with. But now I have the instincts to stop it before it starts. On the rare occasion that it still leaks in, I have the willpower and wisdom to nip it in the bud.
I can only hope that my willpower will always be so strong...because spending more time enjoying life and less time afraid of it is just way cooler!
.... I swear I'm not crazy. ;o)
Comments
The shower thing is a bit of an issue for me too since I was always a daily showerer (is that a word?) and sometimes twice a day if it was blazing hot and I was super sweaty. But I'm with you on the baby wipes - they are life savers. I'm an obsessive brusher of my teeth and I cleanse my face every single night - never go to sleep with a stitch of makeup on it or without washing it. Of course, since we aren't company drivers, we fuel/shower when we want and we very often stay in hotels (like we did the past three nights).
As for dressing like you give a crap - I'm all about that. I NEVER want to look like some of these women drivers I see out here. I wear stylishly casual clothes, no wrinkles, no ketchup stains. I am usually in coordinating flip-flops, but do the leather slip on thing with jeans in the winter. I am always pulled together and could go into any restaurant, store, government office/facility, whatever and feel as if I'm dressed properly. I believe your appearance says a LOT about you and I think that impression is an extremely important one.
As for the skin thing - I've always had flawless skin, but since I'm 40 now, that's changed a bit. I get a zit now and then but since I haven't ditched the "war paint" as you call it, I cover it up nicely!
And gray hair? I've started to find them myself in the past year. I pluck the ones I can and I occassionally use a wash in color to give my brown hair some oomph! But it's not the kind that specifically covers gray. The boyfriend never even notices the grays - even when I say, "You don't see THIS ONE RIGHT HERE?? And THIS ONE over here??"
I'm lucky like that. LOL
I also don't like to fuss with myself. I find make-up perfectly acceptable for others, just not for me. As far as the fuss goes... I have no tolerance for fussing. For instance, when I had long locks of hair on my head I broke SEVERAL hairbrushes in fits of rage when I couldn't get my hair to just lay flat. So fussing just leads to rage issues for me. LOL
Also, I suppose the statement that war paint is used for the benefit of others' was kinda off from my true feelings about it.
For me, personally, when I did wear make up it was for my percieved benefit to others. I felt that if people saw me flawed and un-colored they would be turned off or whatever.
I didn't mean that everyone uses it as a cover up for the benefit of others.
Oi... am I digging a bigger hole?
My boyfriend calls my makeup application, "putting on my mask" which is odd, cause I totally don't see it that way at all. I always just saw it as "enhancing" what I have.
I'm not the insecure type, but I think I do feel a bit of insecurity if I don't feel I look my best. I certainly don't want to be judged for "not caring about my appearance" which is exactly what I do when I see someone who doesn't take pride in their appearance. So maybe it's just a bit of projection - I think others look at me the way I look at them. Hmmm.