Social Butterfly

I've recently been dealing with a sort of inner (and more recently outer) turmoil over a social networking site (SNS). I had been a member of another SNS for quite a long time before I even dipped my toes into the water of the one I am now exclusively on. At first I hated it the new (to me) site, swearing I'd never see myself spending much time on it. But before long I found myself deleting my old SNS account and setting up my online home base on the newer one. Bah.

Since making the change, I've reconnected with even more people than I had on the other, which has been awesome. But I've also found myself spending countless hours each week checking up on the happenings of my SNS friends', more so since I found the free iPhone app that is way more accessible than firing up the laptop like in the "old days". haha

All of the convenience of the iPhone app and the SNS in general has fostered a new addiction for me, addiction to the nonsense and booshie (B.S.) that is social networking. I find myself itching to grab my iPhone to fire up the app to see what everyone is into, countless times a day.

What's going on in their world? Am I missing out on something? What should I post for them to see? Do they care what I'm doing? Why hasn't anyone responded to my post?

.....commence the spiral out of control from there....

My addiction to the minutiae of everyone else's day has made me begin to once again feel insecure, paranoid, and a whole mess of other negative emotions about myself and my life. And that just sucks.

I have worked so hard over the past few years to beat down and overcome, in particular, my paranoia. It has been hard and I doubt that it will ever really truly be a thing of my past. I believe that I will always have the chance to fall back into that state of extreme paranoia, especially without constantly tending to that part of my psyche. Tending time now being taken up by a SNS.

So to have something as silly as a SNS causing me to fall back into my old habits pisses me off. I almost deleted my account the other night. And I am actually planning to liberate myself before the years' end. I have been posting messages to let everyone know that I will not be participating much longer. Offering them my email address should they choose to stay in touch.

I guess what it really boils down to for me at this point is that I am just tired of feeling like a dancing monkey. I put on a show for all to see, read, approve of, comment upon, etc. every day on the site. And at the end of the day I find myself wondering why no one read, approved of, commented upon, etc. my posts. Which in turn pisses me off.

Why should I care what anyone else thinks?

Truth be told, most of these people could probably care less about me and my day to day minutiae. If it weren't for the SNS's, most of them would even be a part of my life today. Did any of them ever scour the Internet to find me before the sites existed? No, I doubt it. If they had they'd have easily found me, my email address, likely even my phone number and home address.

Those who cared, stayed in touch after high school. Those who didn't, just wanted to add me to their "friends" list on the SNS's to make them look popular. Which takes me to my next beef with the SNS's in general.

They are so HIGH SCHOOL. Drama and all.

Gee, writing this makes me wanna go delete my account right now. It's nonsense. It's pointless. It's stressful, yet entertaining. The addiction is gonna be hard to break, but like quitting smoking I have to set a date, a goal and give myself time to mentally prepare for it. I'm giving those who care time to get my email address, phone number, etc. before I toss my account in the recycle bin. After that... whatever.... they're on their own.