Anxiety
I'm super anxious about going back to work tomorrow. Straight up scared about it. I know I haven't forgotten how to drive a bus or collect fare or deal with rowdy passengers. I know I'll still fit in my uniform (actually I'll probably need it taken in a bit) and my shoes haven't grown roots by the back door.
But I'm anxious nonetheless. It's almost like it's my first day solo all over again. I'm fortunate, however, that my first run back to work is a fairly easy run with a nice long split during which I'm sure I'll be having to nap.
I am excited to finally be earning a full wage again. I'll be ever grateful that the company has allowed me to draw a half salary under a "short term disability" plan, even as a new driver, while I've been off recovering from my gallbladder surgery. The money has really helped out. But getting back up to my normal pay is certainly attractive.
Sure, I'll miss my lazy days sitting around watching Ugly Betty on Netflix and reading Harry Potter. I'll miss staying up until 11 pm and sleeping until I feel like rolling out of bed every morning. I'll also miss spending so much time with my hubby.
But I'm still nervous about going back. Like I said, I kinda feel like it's my first day all over again. Yikes.
I figure some of the folks at work will be asking questions and making sure I'm feeling alright and wanna know all about the surgery. Or maybe not. I don't care either way. I honestly am super foggy about the day of and a few days after surgery. The last thing I remember the day of was walking slowly into the operating room, crying because I was super anxious, and then climbing onto the table that was shaped like a cross, cracking some joke about it and then waking up in the recovery room with SEVERE cotton mouth and in a LOT of pain.
But I digress.
Point is, I feel like a mini panic attack is just waiting around the corner. And I thought that if maybe I wrote about it and got it out in the open it would help calm my nerves about going back tomorrow. And I think that my goal has been met. I think just putting it out there helps in a lot of cases. So while I'm at it here are a few other things causing me anxiety right now in life....
Mounting medical bills... I might have stellar insurance with my current company, better than I've EVER had in my life, but they still don't cover every last penny. And while I know I'm getting off cheaper than most people it's still overwhelming each time a new bill arrives and adds to the amount I owe.
A lawsuit that seems like it will NEVER end. After being denied several times for a workers compensation claim from my accident back in March at my last job we are now in a litigation process and from the way it seems to be going we will end up in a court room. It's ridiculous that they refuse to pay off the rest of the medical expenses not covered by my regular health insurance.... with a balance of less than $2K you'd think they would want to settle. But their last offer for an out of court settlement was a mere $2,500 and I'd have to pay off the bills and my lawyer with that. No way, Jose! Ugh... so yeah every time something related to this lawsuit arises it makes me go insane.
Household remodeling.... we got a nice little amount of money left over from wedding gifts that we are putting to good use in remodeling two rooms of our house. Two rooms which up until right now have been gutted shells of rooms useless for anything other than storage of junk we don't even need to keep. Of course the task of renovating such rooms includes major decisions about how to design them, how much it'll cost for each and every single item needed, etc. It was fun for the first, maybe 3 days, but now it's just a cluster of emotions that I'm finding it difficult to deal with. I mean add mounting medical bills and a lawsuit into the middle of a remodeling project and it's like whoa! I mean that money could be paying off my medical bills but we need this house to be finished before we start on the adventure of my next anxiety attacker...
Starting a family. When will we do it? How soon will it happen? I don't want to bring a baby into this house in the condition its' in. Trust me, if you've seen my place you understand. Open walls and the general state of things isn't really "baby friendly". So in order to even consider a time frame for even THINKING about trying to conceive we have to first consider how soon we can get the house in a child friendly/livable condition. And of course that costs more money, which coincidentally does NOT grow on trees.
Ugh... wow... I'm pathetic. If that's all I really have to worry about in life I'm doing pretty good huh? I mean, gimme a break, I say to myself!
I have a roof over my head, food to put on my plate and luxuries the likes of which some, sadly, can only dream of. I haven't got it so bad. I'm a whiny prat. I'm sorry... but it's true. Of all the things I've rambled about, none of them are life threatening or detrimental to my own personal well-being. I'm spoiled. And again I'm sorry.
I know other people have way more troubles than I. There are people all around the world who are starving, living in horrid conditions. And here I am whining about my blase problems.
Blah. I'll go now. But only so I can write about something else much less depressing.
But I'm anxious nonetheless. It's almost like it's my first day solo all over again. I'm fortunate, however, that my first run back to work is a fairly easy run with a nice long split during which I'm sure I'll be having to nap.
I am excited to finally be earning a full wage again. I'll be ever grateful that the company has allowed me to draw a half salary under a "short term disability" plan, even as a new driver, while I've been off recovering from my gallbladder surgery. The money has really helped out. But getting back up to my normal pay is certainly attractive.
Sure, I'll miss my lazy days sitting around watching Ugly Betty on Netflix and reading Harry Potter. I'll miss staying up until 11 pm and sleeping until I feel like rolling out of bed every morning. I'll also miss spending so much time with my hubby.
But I'm still nervous about going back. Like I said, I kinda feel like it's my first day all over again. Yikes.
I figure some of the folks at work will be asking questions and making sure I'm feeling alright and wanna know all about the surgery. Or maybe not. I don't care either way. I honestly am super foggy about the day of and a few days after surgery. The last thing I remember the day of was walking slowly into the operating room, crying because I was super anxious, and then climbing onto the table that was shaped like a cross, cracking some joke about it and then waking up in the recovery room with SEVERE cotton mouth and in a LOT of pain.
But I digress.
Point is, I feel like a mini panic attack is just waiting around the corner. And I thought that if maybe I wrote about it and got it out in the open it would help calm my nerves about going back tomorrow. And I think that my goal has been met. I think just putting it out there helps in a lot of cases. So while I'm at it here are a few other things causing me anxiety right now in life....
Mounting medical bills... I might have stellar insurance with my current company, better than I've EVER had in my life, but they still don't cover every last penny. And while I know I'm getting off cheaper than most people it's still overwhelming each time a new bill arrives and adds to the amount I owe.
A lawsuit that seems like it will NEVER end. After being denied several times for a workers compensation claim from my accident back in March at my last job we are now in a litigation process and from the way it seems to be going we will end up in a court room. It's ridiculous that they refuse to pay off the rest of the medical expenses not covered by my regular health insurance.... with a balance of less than $2K you'd think they would want to settle. But their last offer for an out of court settlement was a mere $2,500 and I'd have to pay off the bills and my lawyer with that. No way, Jose! Ugh... so yeah every time something related to this lawsuit arises it makes me go insane.
Household remodeling.... we got a nice little amount of money left over from wedding gifts that we are putting to good use in remodeling two rooms of our house. Two rooms which up until right now have been gutted shells of rooms useless for anything other than storage of junk we don't even need to keep. Of course the task of renovating such rooms includes major decisions about how to design them, how much it'll cost for each and every single item needed, etc. It was fun for the first, maybe 3 days, but now it's just a cluster of emotions that I'm finding it difficult to deal with. I mean add mounting medical bills and a lawsuit into the middle of a remodeling project and it's like whoa! I mean that money could be paying off my medical bills but we need this house to be finished before we start on the adventure of my next anxiety attacker...
Starting a family. When will we do it? How soon will it happen? I don't want to bring a baby into this house in the condition its' in. Trust me, if you've seen my place you understand. Open walls and the general state of things isn't really "baby friendly". So in order to even consider a time frame for even THINKING about trying to conceive we have to first consider how soon we can get the house in a child friendly/livable condition. And of course that costs more money, which coincidentally does NOT grow on trees.
Ugh... wow... I'm pathetic. If that's all I really have to worry about in life I'm doing pretty good huh? I mean, gimme a break, I say to myself!
I have a roof over my head, food to put on my plate and luxuries the likes of which some, sadly, can only dream of. I haven't got it so bad. I'm a whiny prat. I'm sorry... but it's true. Of all the things I've rambled about, none of them are life threatening or detrimental to my own personal well-being. I'm spoiled. And again I'm sorry.
I know other people have way more troubles than I. There are people all around the world who are starving, living in horrid conditions. And here I am whining about my blase problems.
Blah. I'll go now. But only so I can write about something else much less depressing.
Comments
Jen